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You are our sunshine.....



March 31st, 2020

I heard a shower running, and this is what woke me up from my sleep this morning. I checked my cellphone for the time and showed 5:52 a.m. I rolled over and saw Akash weighing himself like every morning he does before taking a shower. He waved at me as he saw me awake under the blanket covers. That is quite odd, a wave, I thought to myself. I am used to waking up to a kiss on my forehead or a soft whisper," babe it's 5:50 a.m." Lil baby astronaut gets a 'good morning baby' too from daddy, which was terribly missed on this somewhat chilly March dawn. 

 I know our emotions were heightened over the past 2 weeks. Akash jumped into the shower, as I got my 5 and a half month pregnant belly and myself out of the bed. I made the bed by myself, which again was unusual, as Akash would always rescue me to make our bed in the mornings. I knew this Tuesday morning, the start of the workweek for us was not usual and felt scary for some reason. 

Of course, this March Tuesday morning was unusual for multiple reasons, other than Akash's behavior, but the fact that I was taking a month-long unpaid leave to help the company we are hired by, but also for selfish reasons.  The census at the hospital had dropped 40% over the last month, which was a relief. But this meant the company hinted some of us needed to or could take time off to 'spend time with family.' 

As I packed lunch, for Akash my usual ritual every morning when we head to work, but today the tears could not stop streaming down my face. For some reason, it felt we were at war and Akash was about to go out there all by himself to fight this war. I would not be donning on my warrior suit of scrubs this morning, as I was taking time off but also I couldn't fit anymore into my scrubs due to pregnancy. 

Akash and I have worked together since 2017 as a hospitalist. We work in the same weeks and have the same days off. One can say we spend an awful time together. I feel we are each other's strengths and weaknesses. We are each other's cheerleaders,   We round on patients across the hospital and never run into each other, but lunchtime we do make a point to meet up and eat together. We don't drive together though, I guess that is our alone time, mostly we are both on phones with our parents during this drive time to and from work. So this morning it felt exceptionally heartbreaking to see Akash leave the home for work, while I will be home sheltered, protected. A pang of guilt definitely sets in and continuously remains there, that I am not in the front lines with him, next to him, fighting with him and others. 

My father put it in words, it is like enlisting yourself into the army. When you are called for duty, you need to step up, but right now you are excused as you are 

While parts of the country and even neighboring counties are battling with patients overflowing in their Emergency departments, inside the hospital and outside. Everywhere you turned, you just could hear about the chaos. The death tolls numbers kept going upwards, never seeming to halt. There was despair every turn you took. Our home this morning felt no different as if it was covered under a very dark gloomy cloud, that was about to rain, followed with a thunderstorm.

Doctors, nurses, and other healthcare workers were pleading to get for themselves help, but also for the patients they were caring for. They were begging and groveling the general public to remain inside the house, follow the orders for social distancing. 

This morning I receive a message from a friend on Whatsapp with a video, about how bored they are being inside the house, picking up the garbage and then again dropping it back on the floor so that they can stay busy cleaning, playing patty cake with the walls. And at that moment I responded to her, I understand your frustration and boredom as I am at home alone as well, but at least you are not waking up every morning going to work with the fear that today you may contract coronavirus and bring it back home to your wife and unborn child. I may have been a little too strong, but I see this on my social media page all day, updates about how bored people are, and maybe it is just satire for most but for a few that do truly believe how boring it is to be sitting at home, watching Netflix, reading, or shopping online, I want to share a reminder. It is frustrating for HCWs and their families when you are out and about. When you refuse to follow the suggestions to stay at home, 




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